um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
