the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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