I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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