just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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