i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My vagina is officially offended.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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