somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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