I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
