I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
