I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
