talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
