I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she smelled like a LAN party
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
