I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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