and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
