We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
