just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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