remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
