the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need mimosas to revive my soul
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
