I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
