im about as happy as oj after his trial
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
