btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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