while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
