HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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