Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize