Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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