This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
