last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
