Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
