the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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