1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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