I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
