new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
