sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
