The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
