Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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