And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
