well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
