Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
