His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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