Who did Billy Mays play for?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
