You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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