I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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