So drunk its hurt
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
