Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
