There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize