It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Im part way to drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
