cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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