She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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