I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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