My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
