operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
