I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize