Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
