how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
